Last of the LJ stuff (for now)

I'm so screwed up Nov. 19th, 2005 | 12:53 pm mood: distressed music: Dave Matthews Band "Where Are You Going" Warning emo post including some personal information to follow. Also Note: since this is a Friends only post I don't mind those of you that can see this to read it but please keep it private. Well It's never a good sign when you when I can't sleep before starting a new job at Northwood Christmas Trees due to anxiety about it. It happened with the Failed Summer Camp job and it happened with this latest one. Also not only could I not sleep before I started but the last two nights I haven't been sleeping well either due to anxiety and a physical pain next the my right middle finger nail. I actually can't apply much pressure on the end of that finger without getting a shooting pain. Because of that I called in sick today and am having it looked at by a doctor, which will probably cost a lot since I only have the bare minimum health coverage that doesn't cover much of anything. So now I'm really screwed. I need money but I don't know if I can bare going back to work at the Tree lot, and Ive just been getting more distressed over that last few days. I don't know what to do, I struggle to fill out any applications and then I seem to end up taking the worst jobs lately. My dad seems to try to support me by giving me some money, but then at the same time he has his own problems and then acts like he hates having to support me and wants me gone. I have great success in Second life building structures there but at the same time I haven't sold much of anything in the game. I have no plans of the future and less hope about it every day... Everything isn't entirely hopeless I took the advice of my Counselor and applied for supplemental income from social security. If that gets approved at least it'll help with health care costs and with job placement. Not to mention give me just barely enough money to move out provided I can find a roommate. But with the current administration's attitude toward social programs I'm not that hopeful about getting approved for it. Well that's about all I have to say for now, nothing left to do but keep struggling along. DRM Wrongs Nov. 3rd, 2005 | 03:36 am mood: aggravated music: Static Well it looks like the Music Labels are continuing with their Digital Rights Management Lock down on their paying customers. This time though Sony's BMG music group is crossing the line into outright abuse (and possibly illegality) by employing a DRM scheme for the last 6 months that not only hides itself away from their legitimate users, but also severely compromises the security of the PC that it's installed on. For more INFO you can read the Wired news Article Basically their software not only denies anyone the right to rip an archive copy of the songs by replacing the music with static noise, but also installs what's referred to as a "rootkit" on the system it's played on. What this does is cause Windows to forget and continue to deny the presence of not only the DRM software, but also any file, directory, process or registry key whose name has"$sys$” at the beginning. This creates an extreme security risk in that anything that gains rudimentary system access can then hide and gain full unhindered access by renaming itself using the “$sys$” prefix. I'm actually pretty law abiding with my music collection. The majority of it is either collected from CDs that either me or someone in my household owns ,or bought and downloaded from iTunes. This makes me wonder though if I should even try to bother to keep that up now that it's apparent that the Music Labels are now treating their own legitimate users as criminals whose PCs must be disabled before they can do harm. On the positive side this latest threat can just be overcome by disabling autorun on your PC well that's my $0.99 for now.  Life sure can suck sometimes. Oct. 11th, 2005 | 01:20 am mood: distressed While my parents are more careing then those of some the other furs I know doesn't mean I don't have any issues with them especially my father.      While he can be a great guy he has a lot of anxiety and anger which he bottles up until he explodes. lately it's been because of issues of my not going to full time classes, having to support me financially due to me not having a job, etc. this time it was due to me taking a letter that was addressed to me from a doctor that he made an appointment with for me to see. He was concerned that I would lose it and wanted it to place in his files somewhere. I explained to him what it was about and that I could keep it in my personal file, but that wasn't good enough for him. Then he started getting even more stressed over the possible cost if the medical tests the doctor wanted me to take since I don't have health coverage. At this point he went back to his room and got in an argument with my mom. I used this opportunity to escape to my car and drive away. And now I'm writing this on my PDA in my car at a parking lit a few miles from my house. </font></font></font> </p> I'm tired of this happening every few months. Why can't I get over my anxiety enough to apply for work more places? Why do I sleep most of the day? Why do I feel so lonely all the time even when I'm at the meets surrounded by others? *cries* why do things never seem to change lately? Sorry for being emo. at least it's clear why I sleep my days away in bed and why SL and the Internet can be quite important for me. I'm worried what would happen if I lost those... Well that's about all I have to say for now. It's been over an hour so hopefully my dad has calmed down and gone to bed by now so I can return home without trouble. Laters... Copywrong. Sep. 26th, 2005 | 05:47 pm mood: aggravated While reading Wired news I came across an article today that just showed yet another instance of how a Copywright has been over protected by it's owners. In this case it was New York's Metropolitan Transit Authority, and the (SF) Bay Area Rapid Transit system that sent cease-and-desist letters to a individual that converted their transit maps to a form that was readable on iPods, and then distributed them for free:Click here to read the article. You'd think they would have welcomed this because it would make it easier for more riders to find where they needed to go and thus increase their revenue because that is their main business, But no that isn't the case. It's really sad to see even public agencies instantaneously calling someone a copyright pirate when they're just trying to make information that is given out in free pamphlets (which cost these agencies money to print and distribute) more accessible. Sure I can understand if the person was actually charging for the service, but he wasn't.</p> BART's response to this matter shows even more stupidity: “BART is preparing to unveil its own free, downloadable iPod map on its website.” Okaay... so BART essentially paying someone to produce a map (further reducing their profits) that essentially provides the exact service that someone was providing them for free... Sure they could have started doing it before this happened. but I seriously doubt that. Well that's my rant for now. Laterz. Car Repairs Sep. 12th, 2005 | 07:50 pm mood: accomplished Last Friday Evening,and Saturday afternoon I got around to replacing my car's leaky water pump. It was a annoying experience because even though I had instructions from a Mechanic and a Chilton Repair manual for my car I still ran into puzzles along the way. As it turned out the repair manual was less useful then the instructions given to me by the Mechanic. This was mainly because the manual covered 6 different engines among 5 different GM makes and Models. At times it only had diagrams for every other engine except for mine and it's instructions included sayings like “if Equipped”. So after struggling to figure out how to empty the coolant and Remove the Serpentine belt. I finally got to removing the water pump, and scraping off the old gasket and then realized that I had forgotten to get high tack gasket compound from the auto store that was needed to complete the installation of the new pump. So the next day I got what I needed and installed the pump, replaced the belt and figured out eventually how to install all the the coolant. The repairs seem to have been successful since it no longer leaks and hasn't burst into flames. Hopefully it'll be awhile until it needs repair again because after all the hassle to make what appeared to be a simple repair I can only imagine how complicated the bigger ones could get.

I'm back much eirlier then expected. :( Aug. 8th, 2005 | 08:35 pm mood: restless music: Dave Matthews Band, Busted Stuff And I'm back. Why so soon? Well for you the Public let's just say things didn't work out as planned. For those of you in my friends list ignore this and see the previous post  Back so soon? Aug. 8th, 2005 | 08:22 pm mood: restless music: Dave Matthews Band, Busted Stuff Well I arrived home only three days of camp instead of being there for the two weeks. what happened was I didn't research the place enough and once I fully realized what I had gotten myself into I started to have major anxiety attack. Here's what I wrote on my PDA while I was there: ( See Journal entries I wrote during my Short trip. ) 8/6/05 9:45am I'm now on the bus to camp WAMP . The camper I've been assigned to is a 13 year old named Donald, he seems like an ok kid and I hope we'll both have a good week together. I'm tired right now though because i spent most of last night packing and then I was so nervous I couldn't sleep. Well that's it for now. I'm going to try to rest a bit and I also need to conserve the PDA's battery since I'm uncertain how I'll recharge it. 6:24pm we have finished setting up camp. We rode here in Xterras. The driver that I rode with had a polar bear tattoo on his lower right leg. I had meant to ask him more about it shuch as why he got it (heh he could have been a fur, who knows?)but the opportunity never presented it self. As a reminder of the Internet I have created Treenet it's a collection of trees bound together by cloths line oh how I miss the Internet. 8/7/05 6:54pm I can barely stand it here. As I began to suspect last Wednesday at orientation the camp facilities are much more primitive then I assumed it's literally outdoor camping, and I've never liked camping like that for long. Also I've realized I forgot to pack my sandals. Which I found out I need for the lake after cutting my feet on the sharp rocks under the water. I've decided I can't stand two weeks of this. Fortunately my manager understands and I'll be able to leave at the end of the week. I think I'll have to use a cassette recorder for the rest of my journal In order to save batteries on this PDA for the occasional photo and HOPEFULLY the trip home so TTFN. 8/8/05 12:25am I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. A wave of dread just overcame me and I've started crying almost uncontrollably. I think my Mental state is deteriorating faster than I thought it was. At this rate I'll be no help to anyone. I just have the overwhelming want to go home. I think someone is being picked up from town today I think I may have to ask to be taken in to town then. Because I'm in a personal hell right now. 4:05pm Well here I am sitting at a gas station in Graegle waiting for the connecting ride from Sac. It's fortunate that the other counselor that was arriving today ended up needing a ride. Okay ride just arrived got to go. maybe I'll write some more about it when I feel better. Going away for awhile. Aug. 6th, 2005 | 01:31 am mood: optimistic Well I'm leaving to go work at a summer camp in the Sierra Nevada mountains and will be out of contact until Aug 20th. Maybe when I return I'll actually write something here or maybe not... who knows. Well that's it for now, laters. World view Quiz Jun. 12th, 2005 | 02:24 pm You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 88% Existentialist 75% Postmodernist 63% Materialist 63% Modernist 56% Idealist 38% Romanticist 25% Fundamentalist 25% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com That Sounds about right. quizzing Mar. 30th, 2005 | 11:34 am You scored as Wolf. You are the Wolf. When you are with someone, your allegience never falters. Your family is very important to you and you will protect that family with all you have, no matter what. Wolf 92% Eagle 92% Ram 92% Dog 83% Deer 83% Fox 83% Crow 75% Bull 75% Horse 67% Bear 58% Stag 58% Dragon 42% Salmon 33% Snake 25% Which animal totem best suits you? created with QuizFarm.com Hum interisting...